A co-worker shared this tongue-in-cheek hiking advice.  Re-posting here in case you find it funny:

Goal: As the first peak of the season, pick something attainable

- Longs Peak via the Cable Route (5th class) should be doable

- Assuming it is free of snow

- Assuming it is not too hot or too cold

- Assuming you don't bonk

- Assuming a storm does not roll in

- You need to make a lot of assumptions here, but as my fellow Americans would say, go big or go home (in a body bag)

Adequate gear: Some gear is required for a technical climb

- Running shoes and socks to keep the rocks away from your feet

- A chapstick so you can smile at others (especially when failing at going big)

- A hat to keep the hair out of the eyes

- Sunglasses because all the cool kids have them. More retro, more bettah

- Music because the sound of thunder can be terrifying

- Most importantly, a Garmin GPS and heart rate monitor for PRs, CRs, KOMs, CFs, DOAs, AEDs,... etc. on Strava

Adequate hydration: You need a minimum of a gallon

- 40oz for the imperial system impaired

- Altitude causes dehydration, so you can always drink your own urine as a backup

- A six-pack the night before is high encouraged

Adequate clothing: The weather in the mountains can be highly unpredictable

- Clothing is highly recommended

- As a backup, bring a tank top but beware of farmer's tan

Adequate nutrition: You need a lot of energy

- Before: Eating makes you bloated and slows you down. Skip it.

- During: A bar and a gel should be sufficient. Wrestling the can of Pringles from the marmot at the summit doesn't hurt.

- After: A pint of ice cream

Adequate acclimation: Altitude sickness is dangerous

- However, living at 5000ft makes you invincible

- The air is 50% smoke/soot anyway, so your body is already used to not having oxygen

Start early, start early, start early: Afternoon thunderstorms are dangerous

- Pack well in advance, before you depart your car

- It is highly recommended that you start before 9am

Stay alert: Climbing is dangerous

- Sleep in

- Coffee, as if the altitude doesn't dehydrate you enough

- Smoke a cigarette at the trail-head like the people in front of me

Don't hike alone:

- Stupid decisions are never made as a group

- Share your misery/joy with a friend (on Facebook, Tweeter, Strava, Spot beacon,...)

- But seriously, are you really ever alone on that trail?